How to Be a Good Friend and Why You Should Want to Be One

One of my friends takes self improvement so seriously that I am constantly amazed. She reads so many books, and she often picks ones that give her the tools to be a kinder and more wonderful person. Recently, she told me about a book she’d been reading that was all about friendship. She told me that, from this book, she learned what to look for in a friend and she also learned the tools needed to be a good one. I was really impressed.

We live in a time where we’re all about ‘my boundaries’, ‘my feelings’, ‘my wants’. While I recommended Women Don’t Owe You Pretty to several of my friends, and I had several books about not caring what other people think of you recommended to me, I can’t think of a time when anyone I know (including myself) has ever recommended a book to anyone about being a kinder, more caring individual. You know, a book about actually caring a little about what people think of you and how you make them feel. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to educate yourself on how to protect your own energy and boundaries, but I do think the conversation is severely lacking when it comes to respecting other people’s energies and boundaries.

Having Good Friends and Being One Can Improve Your Physical Health and Wellbeing

I consider myself very lucky in that I have a very strong support system of found-family. My best friends are reliable, dependable, kind, and loving people who always have a moment for me when I am in need, and always celebrate my accomplishments. I consider myself even luckier after learning that recent studies suggest that having strong friendships has a great impact on physical health. In fact, it is suggested that maintaining healthy friendships is as important to your health as exercise.

Here are a few ways solid friendships can positively impact your health outcomes:

• The emotional support that comes from having a deep and meaningful connection with another person is great for mental health, which in turn is good for physical health.

• Research suggests that maintaining healthy relationships and having reliable friends reduces stress, and stress is well documented to have adverse health effects.

• Have you ever had a friend motivate you to go to the gym with them? Friends can motivate us to be healthier or to quit bad habits (of course, that also means they can influence us to pick up bad habits).

• Reliable friends provide solid support systems during times of hardship or trauma—when you’re unwell, for example, they might drop off some food and medicine.

So, how do you make good friends? In my research for this post I have found nothing concrete. Generally speaking, there’s that whole “birds of a feather,” thing. In my personal experience, though, that’s not always the case. Sometimes people are lonely, even though you have nothing in common, they might still stick around or try to impose themselves.

The way I became friends with most of my best friends is by deliberately making an effort to do so after observing all of their “green-flag” traits through our prior interactions. These “green-flags” include traits like generosity, kindness, honesty, and reliability. The people who possessed those traits likely would not have liked to be friends with me for long if I did not make an effort to exhibit those traits myself. That’s why, even though there’s no “Reliable Friends Tinder” or any other easy way to find good friends, there is a way to attract them when they’re around. And there definitely is a way to keep them. You just have to work on being a good friend yourself.

Becoming a Good Friend and Making Your Friendships Last

The way our societies are structured today, friends often have to take a back seat to romantic relationships, or families, and work. In reality, friendship is just as important. It might sound overwhelming to dedicate the same amount of time and effort into your friendships as you would your family and work. It should. It is overwhelming, you really don’t need to do that.

Truthfully, maintaining friendships is so much easier than the other two. With a significant other, you need to see them very regularly, you need to organize a date night every week or every month. With work, you need to invest time and energy for hours every single week. Friendships are the metaphorical succulent of this plant bunch. If work was an orchid (you could do everything right and it will still die on you), and your family a needy peace lily (that springs back up when you give it attention, if you haven’t left it for too long), friendships are a robust little agave plant, very chilled out and understanding.

To make things even easier, sociologist Anna Akbari breaks up connections into two categories: passive and active friendships. Not every friendship you make requires energy to maintain. Passive friendships are those connections you have like the person who cuts your hair, or the classmate/coworker you occasionally share a conversation with. These connections may become active friendships, but for the time being they require very little effort to maintain. Smalltalk, a smile, a wave, or even liking their post on social media. On the other hand, active friendships are the people you share a deeper connection with—rather, they should be. In choosing those friends, Akbari recommends exercising caution and being selective, asking yourself whether or not you can learn from them, grow because of them (if they challenge you), confide in them, and find joy in being around them.

Once you’ve decided which of your connections require more effort on your part, it’s time to identify ways through which you can become a better friend. This will assist you in maintaining those meaningful connections. Here are some of the biggest ways to improve:

One of my favorite things to do each month is take a moment to think if any of my friendships have been neglected recently. I try to reach out to that friend and organize something with them. If they are a long-distance friendship, I try to schedule a phone call or have a long conversation with them through text. This might sound silly to some, but during the early stages of the pandemic, some of my friends and I even had Animal Crossing dates where we met up online on the game. There’s so many ways to connect.

We’ve all had that friend—or even have been guilty of being that friend—who never puts their phone away when spending time with others. It seems like a small thing, but it can be very hurtful to others. It communicates disinterest in the present company. That’s why I silence my phone and put it face-down on a surface or in my purse when I’m spending time with friends. ‘Do not disturb’ is a great feature for this, if you have responsibilities where you cannot just silence your phone.

I don’t know if anyone with truly great listening skills exists yet. If they do, I haven’t met them. We’ve all picked up bad, selfish conversational habits from here and there growing up. Not all to the same exact degree, but I have a feeling most of us need to make a conscious effort to work on this area. The best tips I’ve seen for this are as follows: really listen to what they say, repeat it to them (not verbatim, but maybe summarize how you think they’re feeling), and keep the focus on them. That last point can be pretty difficult, because many of us see this as a way to connect, but try to resist the urge to come in with a similar story about yourself unless it’s directly relevant.

Remember when I was talking about all those green-flags? Generosity is one of them. Generosity is defined as being liberal in giving and as having a noble or kindly spirit. To be a generous friend you need to show up during the hard times, and also be there during the good times. Support your friends through the loss of a loved one, but also be there to celebrate their wedding, for example. Another act of generosity that tends to be highly effective is to cook a meal for a friend. Or even cookies. The amount of effort that goes into cooking a meal communicates love to your friends. My big brother used to make me chocolate pudding when I was feeling unwell, and to this day, the gesture means so much to me.

Avoid making your friends feel like they’re second-choice. Forgetting to show up to plans, ditching them for something else, and canceling last minute are all very hurtful things to do to a friend. If you struggle with this, avoid making plans with people just because you’re bored. If you don’t enjoy their company that much, then it may mean that they don’t belong in your active friendship group. If that’s not the issue and you’re just forgetful, use a planner or a calendar to help keep you organized. Even just logging things in the calendar app on your smartphone can make a huge difference.